


Tell me how to live without you

by valesweetdreams



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23353603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valesweetdreams/pseuds/valesweetdreams
Summary: “Many years ago, when England was not England yet, there was a warrior. He was known by everyone in the town, he had long and curly hair.” - “Just like me” Jimmy interrupts, smiling.
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor
Comments: 15
Kudos: 37





	1. I

John and Veronica had just left the Taylor-May household. For the last years it became a routine for the couple to spend some afternoons there, especially because Robert and Laura love to play with Jimmy, and it gives Roger a time to think, as Veronica is watching them in the yard. Sometimes Freddie is there too, with his boyfriend Jim, and they drink wine and try to relax after another day of work.

Jimmy is a very good boy, he resembles a lot his father, he has curly hair and hazel eyes, the only thing showing that he is too Roger’s son is his blond hair. He is also very smart, he learned how to read and write before going to school and he loves watching the stars. Roger thanks it to Brian’s genetics, the boy is six years old but he already has conversations like an adult and he is very proud of his son.

One thing of their day that the blond really likes is the time before bed. The boy is talking about a mission he and Robert will do when they grow up, and Roger smiles at him as he puts the blanket on him. Now is time for the story. Jimmy loves it and Roger thinks that as he is getting older he will not want to listen to it anymore, but no, he likes to keep listening to the same story every night…

“Many years ago, when England was not England yet, there was a warrior. He was known by everyone in the town, he had long and curly hair.” - “Just like me” Jimmy interrupts, smiling. “Yes, just like you. And the eyes too, he had hazel eyes. He loved the princess and he said one day they were going to stay together and when it happens they will be together forever. But something bigger waited for him. A big monster was threatening the town, many soldiers tried to kill it, but everyone knew that the only person who could defeat it was this warrior. He said goodbye to his lady, picked his sword and run to the monster, ready to bring peace again to his town.” - “He defeated the monster” Jimmy interrupts again. “Yes, he did, they were right. But when they opened the town’s gates again, the warrior wasn’t there. They were very worried, but soon a voice from the sky spoke to them and the sky was full of bright dots. The voice said ‘don’t worry, any monster will threaten you again, because I will be here watching you, day and night, even if you don’t see me’. And since that day, the princess watched the sky, knowing that the warrior is looking after her, and waiting for their eternity together.”

When he finished, Jimmy, with heavy eyes, were looking at the stars that are painted in his room. Roger could feel that he wants to sleep, but before it, he asked.

“Papa, is the warrior protecting me too?”

Roger smiles sadly. “Of course he is, he will always be looking after you, because you are as strong as he is. Good night Jimmy”

“Good night, pap”

Roger went to his room. Without changing his clothes, he turned off the light and layed on the bed, looking up at the stars that are painted there as well, and this time he couldn’t hold his tears. He looked beside him and a warm arm hugged him, this is everything he needs tonight, having Brian by his side. Tomorrow he will be fine.

  
  


\-----------

  
  


Daily routine is not easy.

Waking up in the middle of the night with a baby crying, then putting the baby to sleep and then waking up again because he has to work. Try not to wake the baby, get everything ready to take the baby to his grandma, make a coffee, change clothes, not even have the time to take a shower before putting the baby in the car and closing the door.

Thankfully Brian’s parents live nearby and Ruth is always happy to take care of her grandson. He regrets having to work while baby is so young, he completed six months yesterday, but he is already eating other kinds of food too, and it is not like he is leaving him with a stranger, he is at home.

Since Jimmy was born Roger decided to work with Freddie in his clothing store. His friend is a famous designer and needed a help. He wanted to give this help to him and also because the store is nearer his home than the school he worked previously and because he has the privilege to leave home later than Brian, and he doesn’t want to stress him more than necessary, as being a teacher is already stressful enough.

It is not that Brian doesn’t help, he does. He is incredible and is always there to support Roger. It is just that it is not easy to have a baby and he knew it from the start. This he doesn’t regret, he loves his son more than anything in this world and although, at first, he was not very found of the name James, Brian loved it and who is he to deny anything to his husband?

Another day of work, Freddie is talking about some fashion show that a company want to do with his new collection, but this time Roger is not focusing, feeling something in his chest, like something bad is about to happen, he thinks about texting Brian to ask him to pick Jimmy up from his parents, that he is not feeling very well, but he remembers he can’t.

When he has his phone in hand, he receives a call from Ruth. It is not normal for her to call, she has more way with babies than Roger does, so she doesn’t need help, and Jimmy has always been good with them.

“Rog? Jimmy is not feeling well, I’m taking him to the hospital, will you meet me there?”

She sounds so calm, just like Brian, it seems like it is not a problem at all… but his son is sick and to him it is the end of the world. And the way she talks, it breaks his heart because he really needs Brian right now and listening to his mother talking is not helping.

“Ok, I’m going”

He explains, almost crying, to Freddie what is going on, and it is exactly why he is working with him now, he understands when he has to leave because Jimmy is his godson and of course he is worried too.

When he arrived at the hospital, he had to ask many people about the pediatrics ward, he had no idea where to go and he was getting worried and worried as the minutes passes. He tried calling Ruth again, but her phone was off. All of this remembered him of a day that he tries a lot to forget, more than one year ago, when he was running in the same hospital, looking desperately for some news.

He eventually finds the right door, he can’t breath and the women at the reception realizes he is in stress. It must be common, because she is not worried at all, she just makes him sit and gives him some water.

When he can talk again, he explains everything to her.

“James Taylor-May”

“Yes, he just got here with his grandmother, he is in room 45, Mr Taylor” she smiles politely and he thanks here before, of course, running to the room.

The doctor is checking the baby, Roger breathes again when he sees that Jimmy is moving, a lot to a sick baby. Ruth stands up and hugs him.

“Don’t worry, Rog, it is just cramps that I couldn’t make stop, so it is better to check with a professional” she calms him down. And indeed, the doctor said it is normal and he will be fine in the next days.

It doesn’t make Roger less worried, he swore that he will never let his son get hurt, and that’s why the next week he spend at home with him.

  
  


\-----------------------

  
  


Roger really likes being a biology teacher. It is not what he wanted to do when he dropped dentistry and started the course he ended up graduating, but he had no job when he finished Uni and his ever attentive boyfriend told him that the school he is working at is hiring a biology teacher.

It became natural to him, mostly because his students were also Brian’s and they could exchange notes and complains about them. Of course he is not as talented as Brian. He teaches math as nobody he ever saw, and the students absolutely love him. 

It was never a secret that they are together, they both made it very clear to the beginning that they are in a relationship and apparently their boss didn't mind. She is a good woman and only wants the best to her school. With the students, however, they tried to hide, but they arrive together everyday and of course the curious teenagers love to ask teachers about their personal lives.

But it ended up very well too. They love their teacher’s relationship and even made gifts to them when they got married. It is everything he wished for: he has the love of his life, that he met while still studying, they are married, they work together, they have an established money and love life, and he has some exciting news to tell his husband tonight.

He is planning it perfectly. Today he doesn’t have the last class, so he will wait for Brian instead of going home, they will leave together, talking about how the day was, when they arrive at home, Brian will take a shower first, while Roger will pick up the surprise and leave it on the bed. He will open the bathroom’s door and step inside the shower before Brian finished, they will kiss and then Brian will complain about how spending much time under water will mess up his hair. Then he will leave to dry himself in the bedroom and will see what Roger put there…

The biology teacher is awaken of his daydream by the teacher’s room opening abruptly and Anna, a student, trying to catch her breath. When she talked, Roger’s world stopped.

“Mr Taylor, Mr May collapsed in class, they are calling an ambulance, but…”

He didn’t let the girl finish, he was already running to Brian’s classroom. All the students were already outside with worried faces, some even tried to talk to him, but he paid them no attention, they only thing in his mind being his husband safety. He was a little tired the last couple of days, but nothing that worried both of them, well, at least not Roger. The weekend is coming and he hoped for very relaxing couple of days, just celebrating. But apparently he was not feeling good…

He found Mrs Smith, the principal, there calling the ambulance, she whispered ‘two minutes’, but he couldn’t focus, he could only see his Brian there, laying on the floor, the only thing that showed he is alive is the slow raising of his chest. Roger sits by his side, grabbing his hand.

“Wake up, Bri, please” He is sweating, cleary with a fever. Why didn’t Roger realized it before they left?

He is caressing his face, gently, hoping he will wake up soon, he didn’t ever realized when the paramedics arrived, asking him to step aside. He didn’t want to leave his husband, but they said he couldn’t be in the ambulance with him.

Mrs Smith nodded and he ran to the car. He even forgot to leave a message to Freddie and John…

At the hospital it was very difficult to find someone to give him an information, an old lady even told him they can only give details to family even him telling her that he  _ is _ his husband. Eventually, after about two hours waiting and waiting, a nurse came talk to him to apologise and guided him to a room.

He spotted Brian there, laying on the bed with machines beeping continuously. He seems so small, thinner than he usually is, his skin is not pale as he expected, but is somehow yellow.

A doctor explain everything to him, how they are doing treatment and how he expects Brian to wake up in the next 24 hours. Roger only caught the name of the disease, and he curses himself for studying biology because of course he knows what hepatitis can cause and he feels guilty for not realizing the symptoms before.

He spends the night there, sitting beside Brian’s bed. He texted Freddie and John and both said they are going there tomorrow morning. He kept thinking about the surprise that was waiting for him at home, and crying knowing that maybe he will never know what it is. He didn’t sleep, waiting for Brian to wake up.

The morning came and nothing. Nurses and doctors kept coming and going. Freddie brought something to Roger eat, although he felt the need to throw up only with the smell of coffee. John and Veronica, bless them, brought a change of clothes to him, and even offered to stay with Brian for some time to give Roger time to breath. He didn’t accept, wanting to spend every time possible there.

After three days of his friends trying to ease the situation, Brian woke up. He wasn’t completely conscious, and Roger stood up to call the nurse, but a weak hand stopped him.

This is it, he thinks, he should use this moment to break the news to his husband. He was crying again. He didn’t cry the last days, he was trying to process everything, a coma is never a good sign, especially in situations like this. He had a little hope.

“I won’t go anywhere, I will be here, forever” He says and kisses Brian’s forehead, he no longer has fever because of the medicine, but things are not getting better, his arm has gangrene and is improving with the treatment. The doctor even talked about amputate and Roger can’t think about it, not right now.

“I have something to tell you” He says, trying not to cry again. Brian looks at him with curious eyes.

“I know for about a week now, I was going to tell you…” He grabs Brian’s good hand and put in his stomach. Brian, more awake now, tries to say a ‘really’? And Roger nods.

“Yeah, we are going to have a baby” And Brian smiled.

Then everything started going downhill, the machines went crazy and the last thing Roger thought he listened was a ‘I love you’, but he is not sure, because the hand that was on him was no longer there and a nurse was asking him to leave.

He wasn’t feeling anything anymore, he was numb, he barely felt two arms hugging him, he doesn’t know who, but he thinks it is Veronica.

Everything was over, his life was over. How could he live without Brian? How could he live without the love of his life? The man that he lived with for the last eight years? The man he lived the best moments of his life, the man that was going to start a family with him, even if they didn’t planned at all? How will he raise a child without him? 

He has no answers, Brian had them, he always knew exactly what to do.

After the funeral he was at home, their home. Freddie offered his house, for him and Jim to take care of him during the grief. But Roger thinks he will be griefing the rest of his life, there is no way to recover from this. 

He sat on the couch, tea that John made in hand. Everything there remembered Brian. They built the house together, they picked everything, they discussed over walls colour and where to put the furniture.

“I’m pregnant”

He says, just like this, without thinking. Everyone there looked at him, his friends, his friends partners, everyone that mattered to him. And he wished it was enough, he knows he will have support, but he can’t. And they hugged him.

His life was over, but he couldn’t give up because another was just getting started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe will write some more, I don't know yet...


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Roger started dealing (and living) with his grief

For the first time he was alone. Completely alone.

He knew it was going to happen, his friends can’t stay with him forever, they have their own lives that keep going despite everything, they have jobs, family and they can’t babysit him forever. 

The school gave him time, they don’t pressure him to return, but he feels like he is wasting time not going to work. At the same time he doesn’t want to go back to the place where the whole nightmare started. He doesn’t need the pety face they will give him, he doesn’t need they saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, he doesn’t need watching the students saying that he was an incredible teacher, that he was their favorite. He knows, he knows very well how incredible he was. 

And then they will say they miss him, the students, the other teachers, all the staff, they will say they are sad. But they don’t miss Brian like he does, because they spend so little time with him, they only saw one side of him, they never really knew him. Roger did. Roger was the one who lived with him, the one who had a life with him. He could see a side of him that no one did.

Brian was everything to him, he not only was his husband, but also his best friend, his confident. He was the one who kept him safe, sane and alive. They did everything together, since they met and they had an entire life in front of them.

They were going to start a family, it was only the beginning, they would achieve much more things together, they wasn’t planning one exactly thing, they would just let life guide them and as long they were together, they were happy. But now what will he do? How will he raise a child all by himself? Will he eventually find somebody else and this other person will be the other parent in his kid’s life? Or will he mourn forever and be the only parent?

Deep inside of him he knows it will be the second option, he can’t even imagine being with somebody else, Brian was the love of his life and he has to make sure that their child will know they are loved by him too, even if they will never meet.

The house is silent, he can hear the cars on the street, there’s also no light, he can’t see a motive to turn them on, if the light of his life is not there anymore. He goes to bed without eating and without changing his clothes. He found his way upstairs because he knows the place and laid down on the side that Brian always slept. It still smells like him and he starts crying again. He will never feel him again, he will never hug him again or kiss him again, they will never sleep together again, they will never cuddle on the couch again. It still hurts, like that day, and he is sure it will never stop, how can a pain like this ever stop hurting?

“I’m pretty sure it is not your side of the bed”

He thinks he listened to Brian’s voice, but it can’t be possible, can it? But then he appears at the door. Roger closes his eyes, he is going crazy, it can’t be real. He opens his eyes again, but Brian is still there.

“And you should eat, you are eating for two now, you shouldn’t be skipping dinner, you must eat more”

He leaves and go to the kitchen, Roger can hear something downstair, he gets up, turns the light on and follows what he thinks is Brian. Maybe it is Freddie that decided not to leave him alone yet, and he is picturing Brian on him.

“Bri?” He calls.

“Yes, baby?”

And he cries again. He doesn’t know if he can handle it. “W-why are-are you he-here?” He says between sobs and in an instant Brian is hugging him. And he can feel it, feel the heat from his body, smell him, he can touch him.

“I will never leave you alone, Rog, I promised you, I will be by your side forever”

Yes, this is it, Brian will not leave him, because he can’t, he is here just because of him.

“I knew you would never leave me. I love you, Bri”

“I love you too, Rog”

That night he could finally sleep, knowing that the love of his life will always find a way to protect him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy and Roger talk about the future and Brian

Roger was used to making decisions. 

Since before Jimmy was born he had to make decisions all by himself. Never for one second he thought about himself as a single parent as he made peace with himself that he would see Brian’s ‘ghost’ for the rest of his life and talk to him as he was there, but he’s not crazy, he never was, so he knows that the Brian he’s talking to is the one inside his mind that can’t make decisions and will only agree with what he will say. Fuck, even after more than 15 years he still can see the same young Brian that he knew, he can’t imagine how he would be getting older, so he can’t count on his still 29 years old husband to help him. 

So everything regarding Jimmy’s education he had to think, do and deal by himself: he had to deal with the sleepless nights; with the food introduction; with him denying eating meat and Roger having to curse Brian’s genes and then cry himself to sleep because their baby is so much like his father; with the first steps that made him proud but at the same time worried that he would fall and get hurt; with the first words and him calling ‘papa’ and ‘dada’, which also made him cry; with the toddler wanting to touch everything and him having to run behind him stopping him from doing something dangerous; with the little boy asking for a paper to write down something and then repeating ‘want to be like dad’ because once Roger said to him that he is as smart as his dad and now he’s proud of it; and with the teachers calling him to congratulate him on how a good student and very smart his son is, and then also crying because he thinks he’s doing nothing, Jimmy is just natural.

But now Jimmy is already 15 and he is making decisions by himself, so Roger wasn’t surprised when he asked to have a conversation, he wasn’t ready, but he needs to give his son his freedom. He had to be strong when he asked him that he wanted to change schools. 

“Because, papa, I saw that this other school is much better and they have the top physics program, I can do much more there”

And Jimmy talks like an adult, with his growing curly blond hair he really seems like a mini Brian. Roger looks over at the armchair and sees Brian there, smiling at them and he knows it is a sign that he should let him change schools, even if it hurts him.

His son realizes that he changed his mood, but as he is smart, he doesn’t have to ask what is wrong, he knows because he already researched everything. “I know it is the school you and dad worked and I know that the physics laboratory has his name, so it is a part of my story too, right?”

Roger is grateful that he is like this, he never touched the subject, he never asked too much about Brian. Roger always makes sure to keep his memory alive, telling his stories and everything, but the details he never shared, he always thought about Jimmy as a baby that won’t understand what happened.

“It is” he answers, catching his hand between his, a gesture that he always did, since when he was a baby. “You deserve the best, son, and you are right, I will gather the documentation and ask for your transfer,” he smiles and his son smiles back, the May’s smile that he loves so much.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, you can ask me anything you want,” Roger answers with his heart beating faster and faster, he knows what is coming, Jimmy had already talked about dad and he’s been searching things on the internet. He looks again to the armchair, to him Brian is there, to him Brian is always there.

“Do you see him? Dad, I mean…” He asks, looking to the armchair too and smiling. Roger sees Brian smiling back and he has to take a power inside of him that he didn’t know he had to keep himself from crying. This is the first thing it’s happening, the Brian inside his mind interacting with their son already understanding the world - while he was a baby it doesn’t count, because Roger has a theory that maybe babies do see ghosts.

“Yeah, I do…” he only manages to say that.

“Are you seeing him now?” He nods. “Is he here?” He nods again, still looking in that direction.

Jimmy nods to and adjusts his body so he can also look better to the armchair, he leans a little, because, you know, he is already tall, and starts talking. “I want to make you proud, dad, I won’t let your name down, I won’t let you down, and I love you so much, I hope you do too”

At this moment Roger can’t help himself, he starts crying, especially after he heard: “I’m already so proud of you, son, and you won’t ever imagine how much I love you”, and it is too bad that Jimmy can’t hear it too.

“He is proud of you, and he loves you so much too, I know it,” and the blond reaches out to hug his son, his hair tickling a little his face.

“Did he know?” Jimmy asks, quietly, after some time of both of them crying.

Roger doesn’t need him to elaborate, he knows exactly what he is asking. “He knew… and he loved you for every second.”

He nods. “How did he die?” And then Roger realizes that no one talked about it, no one mentioned how it happened and he also never talked about it with Jimmy. He remembers the story he made up to tell the little Jimmy before bed, the story about the warrior that saved the town, turned into the stars and was forever protecting them from the sky. This was his way to tell their son that one of his parents was gone but was still watching him.

“He collapsed and then we found out he had hepatitis, the doctors could do nothing… but he was happy because he knew about you”

Jimmy nods and they start crying again. “I miss him, I haven't even met him, but I miss him…”

“I know, I know… I miss him too”

And they stay like this, supporting each other like they always did, since day one. Jimmy doesn’t know, but he is the reason why Roger is still alive today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... after months I decided to post this and I have other two chapters ready, let's see how it goes...


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger goes back to the school

Roger knew this moment was about to come, he didn’t have the time to prepare himself, too busy trying to understand why the hell he was seeing Brian, why the hell he could talk to him and even touch him. It was actually Brian who woke him up telling him it is his first day back at work. The school gave him three months, the principal said she would’ve given him more, but these are the rules. Too bad they don’t have vacations soon, only the Christmas holiday in a month.

“The students miss you, you know,” Brian says while Roger is sitting on the table eating his breakfast. He would’ve felt lonely, doing things he would’ve done with Brian when everything was normal and both of them were getting ready for work. Is this why he’s seeing Brian?

“Yeah… I kind of miss them too, but I don’t know, I don’t want the pity looks, you know, they saw it happening and…” He didn’t talk about it, he didn’t talk about work with Freddie or John, he never did and he never will, it has always been a thing between him and Brian, it doesn’t feel right to share it with their friends.

“It’s ok, you can do this”

And with this in mind he went to work. He already has a bump, but thankfully the clothes helped hide it,  _ this _ he is not ready to tell them. He tries not to think how that day he drove them to work, how he kissed his husband and they went to class. How he was excited to tell him about the baby. Now he wishes he had already told him, if maybe Brian knew about their baby he would’ve told him he wasn’t feeling well and they would’ve looked for a doctor sooner.

But it already happened and Brian is now only inside his mind, and beside him, if he’s being honest, he is seeing Brian beside him. But he has to pretend he is not, or they will say he is crazy. Or not, they will say it is normal because now he is a widower. Wow, he never said this word before.

He walked on the halls with his head up, some students were talking and others were laughing, a few saw he was there. He thought about going to the teachers room, but there he would’ve had to answer too many questions, the worst is the ‘how are you?’, and he also would’ve to meet the new physics teacher. And he is definitely not ready to meet the person who took Brian’s place.

So he decided to go straight to his class room. Too bad because the only person he didn’t want to see was there. Fuck, of course his colleagues know he is back, after all somebody was covering for him and this person is not working there anymore, makes sense.

“Mr Taylor, I was looking forward to meeting you!”

Not even one second and Roger already hates him. How can he seem so happy and what makes him think Roger wanted to meet him? Roger wanted to punch him in the face, that’s what he wanted to do

“And you are…?” Roger asked, trying to be polite, in fact he had no idea what his name, Mrs Smith told him, but he didn’t even listen. He puts his bag on his table and turns around the moment the other teacher is answering him.

“I’m Paul, everyone call me by my name”

To keep himself from snapping he grabs the chalkboard and writes the theme of the first class. He thinks it is ridiculous, he’s only doing it because he’s sure the students are giving him a hard time, it is really difficult taking Brian’s place, Mr May was the best teacher these students ever had.

“Look, I wanted to ask you a favour, I know we don’t know each other, I hope we will change it soon, but they told me you are Mr May husband and I was thinking if you could ask the students to stop to bother me, you know, their teacher won’t come back, so they will have to live with me,” he is smiling, the son of a bitch is smiling. If before Roger thought that the will to punch him in the face was not fair, now he is sure he deserves it.

“If you treat the students with that tone and tell unfortunate things to them, they are right, now, may you leave, please?” It’s funny how being pissed off he can be polite. But this man is disrespecting his husband in front of him.

“You all need to face reality…” and he keeps going, but Roger doesn't let him, because this time he snapped.

“Get the fuck out of my class room, you have no rights to come right here and tell me what to do, I fucking now what to do, and so do these kids”

Thankfully the man - what is his name, again? - left, probably Roger was looking ready to kick his ass, and that’s when he remembers he shouldn’t be stressed, it’s no good for the baby. He sits down and puts a hand on his belly, apologising to the baby, for being stressed and for the words they had to listen too.

When the bell rang and the students entered their class rooms, Roger got up. And he was surprised by what he saw. Every student that came in hugged him, in every class he gave, some of them said they missed him, others said that they miss Mr May too, and surprising Roger didn’t get mad, because he was part of their life too, so they are right to miss him as much as he does. But what surprised him the most was when they told him that they made a memorial at the physics laboratory, that they need to keep an eye because ‘the new bad teacher’, that the way they call him, doesn’t want the memorial there.

God, Roger really missed the kids.

\-----

When he told Mrs Smith he is pregnant, the principal cried. Roger had no idea she would react like this, but she did. She hugged him and said she will do everything in her power to help them. Weird.

As always, the positive point was the students. They were very excited, some were discussing names, others gave them some gifts, but in general they were very loving, even keeping quiet when he said he wasn’t having a good day or when his back was killing him so he needed to teach while sitting. 

The fact is that the baby was always more active when he was at the school, maybe it is all the kids' noise or maybe it is because they can feel the strong presence of their father.

On his last day he had a surprise. And it was not the long letter all the students wrote for him - but he did cry when he received it. It was the presence of another teacher, a young woman. She quietly knocked in his classroom after the classes were done - since he returned he never spent time in the teacher’s room.

“Mr Taylor?” Her voice is very calm, not too sweet, but pleasurable. She is tall, has short hair and a polite smile on her face.

“Yes?”

“I’m Mrs Carter, I’m the new physics teacher”

“Oh,” so finally the evil was defeated, he can’t say he is not happy.

“I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you, and I want you to know that I’ll do everything in my power to keep Mr May memory alive here,” Roger can’t believe in it, where did she come from? Why couldn’t they have hired her before?

“Thank you, it means a lot”

“I proposed to name the physics laboratory in his honor and also to start the program that he had the project,” Roger could have put the blame on the hormones, but he knows it’s not. He hugs her, it’s his way to thank her.

\-----

Roger still had three months of maternity leave, but he found himself doing the exact same thing he did when he was going to work: having breakfast, driving, walking down the hall. But this time he wasn’t going to see the students, he indeed chose a time so he wouldn’t see them. He was going to talk to Mrs Smith.

With a two months old little Jimmy in his arm, he knocked at her door in the middle of the morning.

“Mrs Taylor! What a surprise!”

She was excited to meet Jimmy, he let her see his face, but didn’t let her hold him or touch him. He’s very jealous of his baby, only a few people can hold him, and he’s so scared to let strangers even see him. He’s the only thing he has.

“I’m here to give you my resignation letter,” he still isn’t sure if this is what he wants, but this is what he needs to do at this moment. He needs to focus on Jimmy, he is his world now. He will miss the students, but he has his own child now.

So he leaves the school without looking back, he leaves all the good memories, the celebrations, the saturdays they both had to work, but afterwards went to the pub, but also the bad memories.

And he promised himself he will never go back. It is a chapter closed in his life. Time to start another.

\-----

The worst thing about registration is that he has to go to the school to sign the papers. He wishes he could do it online, but he is a responsible father that commits to see the environment his son will study for the next few years. Well, he already knows the school, pretty well, but he has to do it either way, after all it’s been 15 years since the last time he went there.

The principal’s office is still the same, as is Mrs Smith, that woman will never get old.

“Mrs Taylor! What a surprise!” And Roger is taken back to that last day. But that day he arrived without telling her, now he had an appointment. He doesn’t question why she didn’t know it was him, she probably didn’t read Jimmy’s file.

“Hello Mrs Smith, it’s good to see you again. It’s May now,” He decided to go by his married name, especially because Jimmy uses the May and since the kindergarten he introduces himself as May too, it’s just easier.

They talk about all the boring stuff and Roger remembers the teacher’s meetings and how he never learned how to pay attention, because after Brian always had to tell him about what they discussed. He doesn’t really pay attention right now, but it doesn’t mean he has no idea what his son will learn.

He misses the place the same way he missed before, but he didn’t want to be there, the bad memories coming to his mind much faster than the good ones, even after years. But he needs to do what is best for his son.

He manages to smile when he sees the physics laboratory. Yeah, Brian would be proud. And Jimmy will be happy.


	5. Chapter 5

Roger was scared. Truly scared.

Maybe even before, right when he found out he was pregnant, he was already scared. But back then he had Brian and with him beside he knew that he could do everything, even give birth and raise a child.

But now, what will he do? He’s been feeling pains for days now and he knows what it means. He knows because he’s been teaching it for years, because he studied everything that happens to a person’s body and he’s no fool. The school already gave his maternity leave two weeks ago and he’s been at home since then, with no other thing to do besides rearranging all baby clothes and crying when there’s nobody watching.

But bless his friends and family. They are always asking him if he needs something, taking him food when he asks for it, worrying about him and being there for him when he needs it. Freddie and John are always with him, but everytime Roger has to kick John out because he has a newborn home and needs to take care of him. And Ruth is with him like he was her son. And at one point he is, he’s giving her her first grandchild, that will be her only, so she can’t help but be with him the whole time.

Sometimes Roger forgets that he is not the only one who lost someone he loves, she too lost her son, and she always finishes her days with Roger sad because he is alone. But she’s sad too, she lost her own son. Roger can’t think what he will do if he loses his own son too. He never saw her crying, and he thinks if maybe she does like him, when no one is watching.

But as he appreciates the help from them, he doesn’t want it all the time. 

Because he needs to talk to Brian.

He only shows up to him when he is alone, and in those times he feels good and bad at the same time. Good because he can feel him, touch him, smell him, bad because when it ends he knows it is only his imagination. Because his husband is gone forever.

The baby moves a lot, but now that he’s about to get born he’s there just waiting. Roger doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, it’s already day three after the due date and he still doesn’t have the real contraction pains. 

“Dad will always be here, honey, you know it, doesn’t you?” It’s one of the lonely nights, he had an outburst and sent everyone out of his house, he needed to be alone. They were all worried to leave him like this, especially that he really didn’t have the time to properly grieve, too worried about protecting the baby. But Roger is grieving, he knows he is, and those lonely nights are his grief. 

He was sitting on the bed, he couldn’t properly lay down anymore, his back hurting with every position; the baby is calm, probably sleeping, showing no signs of starting the process of meeting this world; and the many photo albums they have are spread on the bed, showing good memories.

Brian didn’t show up yet, Roger tried to think about him, talk to him, hoping that the image would show up beside him and lull him to sleep. It didn’t happen until now. That’s why those are lonely nights, grieving nights, because he’s shown with the reality that it’s only him and their unborn baby.

He tries to get up to go to the bathroom, but when he moves he feels it. It's definitely not the Braxton Hicks contractions, it's sharper. Is it finally the moment?

But he's scared, he can't do it alone. No, he can't. It's a thing you are supposed to do with someone else, not alone, not as a widower. God, he couldn’t be mad at Brian, he didn’t abandon him, he didn’t leave, it’s not that he can give a call or drive somewhere that he will find him, no, he won’t find him here. And it hurts more than the contractions, it hurts more than it did before.

He can’t even call someone to take him to the hospital because he knows it will take hours. The labor just started and there’s nothing no one can do. He doesn’t even know if he wants to have someone with him right now, because the only person he wants can’t be here. He’s not even in his own mind.

So he tries to relax. He knows in some hours it won’t be possible, he grabs his phone and types a message to send to everyone when he feels it’s the time. For now he will be alone, trying to feel for the last time how it is being pregnant, because he will never feel it again. Once someone said that eventually he will find another love and be happy again, but he knows he won’t, not because he doesn’t want to find another person, but because he can’t. Brian is the love of his life, will forever be, he will always be faithful to him, he will always love him. And he knows that without him he will never have another baby. He wanted, he always wanted to have at least three kids, and was more than ready to do it with his husband, he wanted it too. But as there’s no other part anymore, he will do it for the first and last time, his little bean who grew inside of him for nine months, the very active baby boy who is getting ready to meet this world, will be raised as a only child, with only one parent present, but with so much love, that no other kid will get.

Another two hours pass, it’s already passed midnight, everybody is probably sleeping, but at the same time waiting for him to call. The contractions are getting closer, but still not enough. He sighs, it would be so much better if it was like in the movies, that the water breaks and in less than one hour the baby is already born. But real life is much different. And he knows, god, he knows, he lost the counting of how many times he explained pregnancy and births in the classes for the students - and also how to prevent it, very important for teenagers.

It’s just when the sun is already rising that he starts feeling the worst pain. He tries not to scream when the painful contractions hit. He thinks he’s still not half dilated and starts thinking if maybe something is wrong, there’s no blood, but you never know. Now is the time to call someone, to go to the hospital to have this precious baby delivered safely. But the hours didn’t ease the pain of missing Brian, and he’s still doubtful that he can do it alone.

So he appeals to the beggin. “Please, Bri, I can’t do this without you, please, I need you”. But still nothing. Why is his mind not giving him what he wants? Brian was always here, why is he not now? “Please, please, you can’t leave me alone”

He starts crying. It hurts so bad, he’s not sure if it is the contractions or his heart, everything is killing him and he wants it to stop. It was not how he imagined giving birth would be.

“You should call mum, you can’t drive like this,” he looks to the door and there he is, standing there as he used to do every time he wanted to surprise him. 

“You are here,” he says, and if it was any other time, he would’ve jumped, but as he says it, another contraction hits, closer. He shuts his eyes in pain, but this time he feels something caress his back, and for the first time since it started he feels protected.

When it stops he calls Ruth and sends the message to his friends. Everything happens quickly now, and he’s not in his right state of mind to care that he’s the only one seeing Brian and he’s only in his mind. He misses the look Ruth and Harold exchanged when he said he didn’t need her to sit with him in the back seat, probably they know what is happening.

And no one says a word when he tells them there’s no need for neither of them to stay inside, they can wait outside. Because he doesn’t feel alone anymore, he feels powerful, he feels, for once, like he can do it. Not for him, but for the little creature that is coming to this world now, that is half him and half the love of his life.

The doctor also doesn’t ask, he only guides him. The doctor knows there’s no other father because he’s a widower. He looks up and sees him. And so he knows he can do as the doctor says, push, push, push. It hurts. He’s tired. But he needs to do it. 

One, two, three.

Another push.

One, two, three.

And then there’s the cry. A very loud cry.

And he cries too.

A nurse puts the very small baby in his chest, and he’s more in love than he was before. “Hello there, welcome little Jimmy, me and your daddy love you so much, you know that? I didn’t like your name very much, but your daddy loves it, so you are my little James, and you will always be protected from the stars...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I confess that I cried while writing this... and I also want to say that this is fanfiction, there's no intend to offend anyone. And also that there could be more chapters in the future.
> 
> Anyway, take care xx


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